We live here.

I struggle with perfectionism.  One area where I have battled many years is with my home.  If there was a spot on the counter, the entire thing had to wiped down.  Cords and wires needed to be hidden or coiled and neatly put away.  Paperwork must be filed immediately and even the "junk" drawer was constantly cleaned out.  I would spend hours wiping, washing, vacuuming, dusting, organizing, and putting away items just to restart the entire process the next day.  However, living in a home with two young boys, two dogs and a husband made my "laundry" list even longer and more impossible to keep up with.  One day I was wiping the kitchen counters and almost in a tizzy because my parents stopped over, unannounced, and things were not in order.  I apologized saying, "I haven't had much time to clean. I'm sorry the house is such a mess."  What was my Dad's response?  "Its ok, Tara. You live here."  It caught me off guard a bit but then I thought it really made sense.  Our house isn't just a show piece that you see in on Pinterest or HGTV. Those homes are staged specifically for that.  My family, my boys, were living here.  My family was playing and growing and learning and eating and reading and sleeping and gathering here.  We were making friendships and memories.  Our house was full of Life.  

Since that day, my outlook on how my house needs to look is quite different.  I dont vacuum and dust and clean bathrooms and catch up on laundry and scrub the kitchen every single day.  I do one, maybe two each day.  Some days I do none.  When I vacuum, I dont always move the kitchen chairs to get under the table, or shake out the rugs, or even move the pile of shoes by the back door.  When I clean the kitchen after a meal, there may be crumbs left on the table cloth and sometimes dirty dishes pile in the sink.  I have fingerprints on my doors, actually man-sized hand prints when Mark is working in the garage, dog hair on my couches, and clean laundry stacked to be put away.  What I dont have is the driving need for everything to be in order and its proper place before I can function.  I dont have an overwhelming voice stating, "You cannot sit down until all the housework is finished." And I certainly dont have to put off time with my boys because dishes are in the sink.  

When the "voice of shame" starts whispering in my ear that the check list must get done RIGHT NOW, I remind myself that life carries on here and one day I am going to miss seeing that backpack on the kitchen floor and searching the house for Austin's tennis shoes because he never puts them in the shoe bucket.  Dont get my wrong, my house is still clean and in good order.  Its important to me and I am still a very organized person.  But my pride and confidence in myself as a wife and mother are no longer tied to every piece of dog fur off the floor or if every closet is neatly organized.  

Making new habits

I spent most of January adjusting my diet.  I started the South Beach Diet and while I did not adhere to the "no carbs the first two weeks. period." policy to a "T", I did do very well.  The purpose of cutting out all carbs and only allowing low-fat protein is to train your body to crave the proper things, instead of sugar and carbs.  This was hard for me since my diet had pretty much consisted of carbs, carbs, a bit of protein, maybe a veggie with dinner, then more carbs. Oh, and throw in a couple of handfuls of sugar too.  I gained 15 pounds in about four months in a very unhealthy manner.  So, the type of torture was absolutely necessary to get me back on track.  Now I have a cup or two of coffee in the morning and drink water and non-caffeinated tea the rest of the day.  I have had a glass of wine on a couple of occassions and I have enjoyed a Coca-Cola a time or two but my day-to-day choices have remained healthier.  Instead of crackers and cream cheese, I had pears and Laughing Cow cinnamon spread or celery and hummus.  Instead of sugar-loaded brown sugar and maple oatmeal or a granola bar for breakfast, I have been making protein shakes that consist of soy milk, spinach, blueberries, banana and a scoop of chocolate protein powder.  I do enjoy my grains now, but the bread and pasta are whole wheat or multigrain and I attempt to limit myself to one or two servings a day.  I haven't lost much weight, I think 3 pounds total in four weeks, but overall that is not my goal.  My goal is for my clothing that fit me well in January 2013 to fit me just as well in January 2015 (hopefully sooner!).  My biggest goal is to be bathing suit ready for our anniversary trip to the Florida Keys in September. That means no tshirt or shorts over top or a desperate grab for the towel as soon as I leave the pool.  While my weight may not be changing much, I am noticing a positive change in my problem areas.  In other words, I am moving in the right direction.

This month the exercise comes in to play.  I took a much too long break from the gym and, boy, is it hard getting back into that routine.  I have gone twice since the beginning of the year.  But today was encouraging for me.  My brother is in town and he wrote up an exercise plan for me.  This morning I met him at the gym and I asked him to show me the various exercises to be sure I was doing them correctly and to get some feedback.  By the end we modified the plan quite a bit, back to the basics, but I feel confident in what I am to do when I go and have a routine for each day of the week.  Sean is extremely knowledgeable in the human body, weight loss and training.  It is a passion of his and I am glad to have someone like that to point me in the right direction and get me motivated.  Now I get to pass it along to my gym partner and we can start our 100-day challenge.  100 days straight of some sort of exercise (at home or at gym, walking, weights, yoga, zumba, whatever) to create a healthy habit.

I not only want to create a healthier lifestyle for myself, I want to be an example for my children.  I hope by seeing the changes I make and living them out day by day, they will understand the reasons, see the difference and make better choices themselves.  Because Mommy can only make choices for them for so long.